Look out! There are llamas!

This:ttps://youtu.be/hBaUmx5s6iE

But really, This:

This whole messaging thing is rough, guys. For some reason in 2015, you’re still expected to message first, and that’s not fair. Props to you for taking that risk. The ladies don’t respond, so it’s really tempting just to send out a bunch of ‘heys,’ like buckshot in hopes of hitting whatever’s moving. But that means us ladies get lots of ‘heys’ from lots of dudes and we can’t really weed through all that. Also nobody likes to be on the receiving end of buckshot. I’m not hating on you dudes, btw. Feel free to share the following with all those ladies out there who need to step up their messaging game.

So here are some tips:

1 – Filters – Most ladies I know who are on here, like myself, have filters on our inbox. I only see messages from dudes who are between 25-35 who are a good match. So if that’s not you, I bet you’re super cool, but there’s probably some other lady who will think you’re super cooler.

2 – Things to avoid

·         People who are a bad match/have nothing in common with you. If they’re very clearly not what you say you’re looking for, they might be sketched out. It’s probably a better use of everyone’s time if people with photos of the big buck they’ve just shot aren’t messaging vegans.

·         Generic stuff, hey, what’s up, how’s it going, etc. See above. I get that you might do that a bar or the supermarket or whatever, but in those situations you don’t know anything about her except that she’s in the same place you are and has different private parts. But here she’s written all kinds of cool things about herself, so you have something to talk about.

·         Don’t open with sex! If that’s what you’re on here for, more power to you. But make that clear in your profile, message her with an invitation to check out said profile and respond if she’s interested. That way you get what you’re looking for and she’s doesn’t report you and get your profile deleted.

·         Appearance/pics/profile – ex. You’re gorgeous*, I love your profile, nice pix, etc. That seems like it’d be a nice thing to say, right? A compliment! Those come off as very mass-texty kinds of things. You probably wouldn’t be messaging her if you didn’t find her at least slightly attractive. Lots of the ladies I’ve talked to get frustrated because they write cool things that they’ve done/like/are, but looks seem to a guy's go-to opener. You know there’s more to her than that, but she doesn’t know you know that. So skip ahead to mutual interests. *Some will be flattered by this, but ask yourself what kind of person is on here just to get compliments from strangers?

·         Wut, how ru? Sup, etc. It really does seem lazy and unintelligent. You’re not a lazy person, but that’s literally all she has to go on to make that assessment.

·         Creepin’. Some guys are creepy. Most women have had some kind of guy stalk them at some point in their life. She has no way of knowing whether or not you are that guy. So don’t get all bent out of shape if she doesn’t want to meet right away, or if she isn’t willing to tell you certain things like where she works. You’re not that person, but she might need some time to reassure herself of that before she’s willing to meet you.

3 – Things to do

·         The opposite of the above!

·         Be selective in who you message – if you really want to talk to her because she’s so hot, but you disagree on everything, she less likely to respond

·         Be original – think of what all your buddies might open with. That’s what she’s getting all. the. time. Try something different. What have you got to lose?

·         Send messages to which someone can respond. How does one respond to “Nice pix?” At most you can say thanks. But that’s about it. You’ve got info about her. Use it! Read not just the profile, but also the questions she’s answered. Some questions are effing dumb, but you might find out that you have some weird random thing in common, or you might she’s given a dealbreaker answer and you can just save yourself all that trouble

·         Be patient. You’re clearly super awesome since you’ve already read all this. It’s hard out there, and we forget that people on the other end side of screens are real people, not just a compilation of usernames and photos. I’m just as guilty of ignoring that fact as anyone

4 – Why won’t she respond?!?!

·         Who knows? Maybe she lost her phone? Maybe she decided to become Amish? Maybe she’s on an arctic expedition?

·         My personal experience, along with that of most women I’ve talked to, is that when men in whom we are not interested contact us, it’s better to ignore them than to be upfront.

·         WTF!?!?

·         90% of the time (a totally accurate scientific study, trust) we estimated men get pretty angry when we say we are not interested, demanding detailed reasons and often coming back with insults. You are not that guy. But again, she doesn’t know that.

If anyone has something like this for the ladies out there, do share!

In defense of ridiculously high standards

Are you a 20 or 30 something fabulous single unicorn? Is no one out there quite right for you? Why are you still single? I'll tell you why.

1. Your standards are too high. And that's a good thing. Most of the time.* As an adult, you've probably had some experiences with all kinds of people of the opposite sex who exhibit characteristics that make them rather dramatic. At this point in your life, you've identified things you need and things you really can't handle. That's a good thing. *

                  *A couple caveats, though.

You can't expect something from someone that you don't have to offer. For example, if you don't look like Denzel, don't be thinking that only a Beyoncé will do for you. If you have a beer belly, don't be all like "yeah she'd be cute if she lost a few pounds." If you only watch reality TV and smoke cigarettes all day, don't be thinking some doctor/model/sports star will come and sweep you off your feet.

Be real about what you need and what you can't handle. Maybe you think a college education is necessary and you could never date someone who's divorced. Maybe, maybe not. Always be evaluating. But when you know something real, don't let go of it.

2. You're a strong, independent lady who don't need no man. Or a man who don't need no lady, or a person of any gender who don't need any sort of significant other. At this point in your life, you got this. You don't need someone to protect you or to take care of you. And you don't want someone who has to play that role all the time. You want someone who wants to be by your side, not someone who gets off on your neediness. We all want to feel needed, and society pretty much conditions to guys to base their self-worth on how badly people need them. We do need you, not to slay our dragons for us to but to fight back to back with us when they start sprouting more screaming dragon heads. We don't need you to fix our problems or calm our storms, we need you to be by our side when life takes a shit on us, and when we are on top of the world.

3. You're an introvert. Ok, so this one isn’t' nearly as appealing to my vanity as the others. The truth is that I'm often happiest when I'm alone. I can entertain myself for hours just with my own thoughts. I feel deeply and think deeply, so it's very hard to me to get through the superficiality of dealing with people. I know you have to start somewhere, but it's hard.

4. You have deeply held beliefs that you just can't compromise in order to conform. I'm a progressive, feminist Christian. Feminism and Christianity often seem diametrically opposed, but to me they are two sides of the same coin. I found feminism in embracing Christianity. In my life, one can't exist without the other. Alas, in the Midwest, people who share my opinions on this do not tend to be straight, single men. So for me, it feels as though either way I go, I have to deny a part of myself. There are Christian men who would be fine with my values, even if they didn't agree, and progressive men who would be fine with my faith, even if they didn't agree. But I don't want someone who's just "fine" with who I am. I want someone I can share that with. So right now, that means Fridays with TedTalks and Nutella.

5. The education gap. Especially in the rural Midwest. More women than men in this area go to college. So this doesn't just mean that people are less likely to be in the same place in their young adult years, but also that the difference in education generally produces a difference in career paths. Single men and single women are just less likely to meet each other. And when they do, they are less likely to have things in common.

So that's it. It's why I think high standards are a good thing. I'm not saying that if you're married your standards were low. And I acknowledge that I'm coming at this issue as a person who has never planned on getting married (at least since I realized it wasn't a requirement) and who has no desire for children. For those of you in different situations, I know that it might seem like you have to choose between what you want and what's available. I get that.

But honestly, I'm not writing this for you. I'm writing it for me. I'm writing this because I need a way to deal with isolation and disconnection I feel in my own life. What, you may ask? "But you're clearly so witty and charming, probably have all sort of rich eligible bachelors vying for your hand while you reconnoiter with your CEO girlfriends." You'd think so, I know. But the truth is that I've never really fit. And I'm a place in my life where I feel that now more than ever. I'm in a place of almost fitting. I have a lot in common with some people, but I just don't fit. I just can't connect. I'm not sure what to do about it. I do know there are things about me I need to work on. And I refuse to believe that I'm the only out there who feels this way. So for all of you wondering what's wrong with you and whether you'll ever find someone, I'm just gonna suggest blind faith. It won't cost you anything. It'll make you vulnerable, but it will make you stronger too. So I'll leave with my favorite prayer: All shall be well and all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well. Peace, love, and chocolate.

Self-discovery and other smart-sounding things

A few months ago I posted about how I need to improve myself and make my life more fulfilling and all that jazz. Well I definitely didn't do that. And now my life may be slightly less fulfilling. So I'm giving it another go. Getting back on the horse. Hoo-effing-rah.

That's why I'm here. I can't get past the idea that I need to do two things: 1) learn/hone a skill, 2) get more in touch with God and practice mindfulness. This gives me a chance to do both. Publishing this makes me feel like I'm getting all the things inside of me out, but no one reads it, so it's  a safe place to basically verbally vomit everywhere.

My writing used to be so much better, back when I did it. I let grow-up-ness and exhaustion, and honestly, laziness and comfort, take over.

So I need to develop skills. I'm starting with writing, but I want to learn something new. Coding? Samba? Flemish? I don't know. I'm honestly really scared that I don't have the discipline.

It's like my goal of losing 50 pounds by the time I'm 30. My 30th birthday is only 9 months away. Plenty of time, but I need to get on it. I'm doing better since my life slowed down. I'm eating out less, which means smaller portions and fewer sweets. It's still so scary though? What if I can't?

I know I can. It's possible. But the more important thing it doesn't speak to my self-worth. Whether or not a person accomplishes what they set out to do doesn't diminish them as a person. As a wise woman once said, just keep swimming.

And so I swim. I swim through I life I thoroughly enjoy, but find lacking. I swim and feel as though I'm not getting anywhere. But I also know that you get out of things what you put into them. Right now, I'm not putting in much effort to be honest. I'm waiting for excitement to come to me. I need to swim to it.

I struggle a lot with isolation and a feeling of disconnectedness right now. I'm a solid introvert, so it's hard for me to connect with people in general. I need to get to know them, feel safe, and the resulting connection is amazing. I go for quality over quantity.

Right now though, there's neither. I'm a single gal, an socially conscious, low maintenance introvert. Craft beer and TedTalks. That's my jam. I don't like dressing up, talking to strangers, or have any interest in celebrities. A night of facials, Sex and the City, boxed wine and then going out to dance in a crowded room with strangers is my own personal hell.

Living where I live, choices for BFF are pretty limited. Alas most of the other single gals are more of the Sex and the City type. Another struggle is that most people under 35 in this town went to school here. They developed social circles and have made a place for themselves. And so many of them are married with kids. *Whine alert* I feel like I'm the only one like me. That's what's rough. I have a great church, but I'm the only one under 50 for the most part. I have great friends, but they're all hundreds of miles away. Lonely island. Cry me a river.

I feel this even more accutely recently. I broke up. We met online and started dating after a weekend. We were so perfect for each other. I knew that I needed time to build a friendship before I'd really start having romantic feelings, but this guy was so incredibly like myself, I just couldn't pass it up. We rushed it. He threw his heart at me. Not only couldn't I catch it, I ran. Emotionally, the more he expressed his feelings, the less I felt for him. It was weird. We never had the connection I needed.

So now, I wonder if I'm actually capable of emotional connection. I want pout and wonder when it will be my turn. It's not even a romantic connection I'm looking for (thought that wouldn't hurt), I just want someone to know me. I want someone to relate to me, to let me know I'm not the only one.

I know that everyone feels this way. Right now all I can do is focus on making myself a better person. I have faith. Things change. Maybe I will be forever alone, but I don't have to take it lying down.

Eek. Feels. Or lack thereof.

Online dating has come to an end for now. I am now faced with the challenges of having a grown up relationship while not being a grown up at all.

There are so many unknowns, so many uncertainties. I have never been involved in anything with potential to last for more than a couple years. The things that I never needed to be certain about suddenly matter.

I've never thought of myself as a commitment-phobe. I just have a deep-seated fear of making solid plans that I won't be able to keep. I fear locking myself into just one option rather than keeping my options open.... But I think that's pretty much the definition of commitment... So perhaps I wasn't as self aware as I thought?

There aren't butterflies. There aren't warm fuzzies. There are things that give me pause me for thought, things that could go either way.

Do I need warm fuzzies? Will they show up one day? Who knows. I want resolution. I can't stand to let things go unresolved. I've realized that's problem. Because I don't really want resolution. I want the resolution I've decided had ought to be.

Life doesn't work that way. I have to wait patiently. I have to see. I have to figure out if my theory that my lack of warm fuzzy feelings are due to the fact that his emotionality brings out the most rational parts of my nature, or if that's just total bullshit and I'm afraid to let myself feel. Maybe I'm afraid of the answers.

In more exciting news, veggietales is now on Netflix. If you're not excited about this development, then I'm afraid we can't be friends anymore. Seriously.

A singing cucumber? An adorable manatee? That's what I'll be doing the rest of the week. Bri out.

"If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God is kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love."

Julian of Norwich.

Deep.

Scarcity, Identity & Filtered Photos.

So the whole "girl blogger reader" thing seems to have a few requirements that I've noticed. One is a filtered photo of your coffee or tea cup. Cool, I can do that. Here goes. 

Anthropologie cup and woven blanket. Hipster win.

But we're also supposed to post pictures of the covers of the books we're reading apparently. Well I'm gonna lose my hipster cred by admitting that my current read is on my kindle app. You already know what an Ipad looks like. So I'll spare you the pic and just give you my stream of consciousness thoughts on it.

I'm reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Her TedTalks are out of the this world, check them out.

The books is about vulnerability, but she starts by laying a foundation that I would never have connected to vulnerability. 

It starts with scarcity. We define ourselves by a particular attribute, it follows that we must perceive that attribute as scarce in order for the attribute to bestow on us any value. This leads us to feel threatened by others exhibiting anything that is similar to our attribute.

So mind mind jumped over here to how I don’t like the phrase “You can be anything you want to be.” You are not a thing. You are a person. You are not defined by your profession. You cannot engage in any profession you want. You will always, in some way, be limited by circumstances.

But you can choose who you want to be. You don’t have to be limited by other people’s boxes. You can be a Christian Feminist, a Blue Collar Yogi, a Philosopher Farmer. Mutual exclusivity really needs to be rethought. Don’t let anyone tell you that one part of your identity negates another.

We are none of us one thing. We are a mixture of so much. All the things that make up who are matter. They are equally true. Focusing on one is not healthy. Denying is not healthy. We have to understand that we cannot be summed up in sentence, or four letters, or a color, or a status, or google analytics. Those things are not who we are.

We are surrounded by choices. But they aren’t always either/or propositions, even though they are generally put to us that way. So many dichotomies are so fundamentally false. We forget that Truth is not scarce. Two opposite statements can be equally true. Humans are evil. Humans are valuable. You are fucked-up. You are enough, just as you are. You can be more. You will always matter.

We are so worried about becoming what we want to be that we forgot to consider who we want to be. If we want to be people who are brave enough to be vulnerable, people who matter to others, people who show others just how much they matter, we need to take a step back.

You can’t be anything you want. You can be anyone you want. Who do you want to be? Because that person will be who they are whether they’re working in a factory, on a stage, in an office, a hospital, or living in a van down by the river.

Don’t be afraid to be happy. The world tells you not to because you’ll lose whatever happiness you find. Maybe. Dare to be happy anyway. Nothing lasts forever, happiness is no exception. But that means sadness doesn’t last forever. Neither are they mutually exclusive. You can find joy in sadness, and happiness punctuated by grief. The presence of one doesn’t negate the other. 

You won't always be happy, and that's fine. But some happiness is better than avoiding from happiness because you know it's fleeting. That's not brave. And it doesn't keep you from being hurt.

You can be happy. You can be happy with the person you are and the things you do, even there's no one to validate. We are really obsessed with sharing. We can't just enjoy a photo or that witty thing we wrote. We have to share it with the world. This blog is a perfect example. 

Don't get me wrong, sharing is great. It can foster connection, let us know we aren't alone, and open us up to new things we wouldn't otherwise be able to experience. We need to share. But we shouldn't rely on sharing. We rely on others relating to the things we produce to validate ourselves. That is certainly powerful, but shouldn't be the only measuring stick we use. There's nothing wrong with appreciating your work just because it's your work.

There's nothing wrong with working on a project that takes time. Most of us can't really work on long-term projects because we can't immediately share it. We play draw something instead of actually drawing things. I think it's because we can share that immediately, we can get validation immediately. Just my thoughts. Here's a cute kitten dressed like Kermit.

Being a better person: Week 1

I have been doing fairly well at my goal of reading more, watching less crap, and generally being more thoughtful.

I have almost made it through Peter Enn's Inspiration and Incarnation, which is not really my style, but definitely worth the read. This is especially true if you really want to like the Bible, but find it super duper problematic.

I'm trying to read more literature, but have found myself drawn far more blogs at this point. Today's post is based off Rebecca Lujan Loveless' post over here.

She says a lot of powerful things, but what struck a nerve with me is her mention of how poor people are not involved in the discussion about how to alleviate poverty.

Just take at the recent World Economic Forum in Davos for evidence of this. While Davos is defnitely an extreme example, Ms. Lujan Loveless has a point. We don't invite homeless people to the homelessness discussion. We don't invite the single moms working two or three jobs. Sometimes we invite the pretty poor, or the formerly poor, but we sure don't invite the ugly poor.

We can feel sorry for the pretty poor. We can put their faces on our blogs and raise money to get them backpacks and shoes and stuff. I'm not saying this is bad, but it isn't the truth about poverty. We don't talk to the people who frighten us, we don't invite them in.

I think the reason is because they're still broken. We see poverty and poor people as one and the same. We don't invite poor people to tell us how to alleviate poverty, because how could they know, they're poor!

We see them as part of the problem. Only those who have overcome poverty can tell others how to do. Poverty is a problem to be solved. Poor people are a problem to be sovled.

We still see poverty as an individual failing. Some people have better excuses than others, but the fact remains that we don't invite a minimum wage worker to speak on poverty precisely because he or she clearly can't extricate him/herself from the minimum wage job (but they should still be happy to even have a job and just stop complaining already, but that's a post for another time).

Poor people are not a problem to be solved. Poor people are people. Sure, there are some who may have "put themselves in poverty", but there are many rich people who are rich simply by the virtue of being born to the right parents.

Poor people are people. And as long as we consider them to be "other," we can't do a damn thing about poverty.

I have lived on both sides of the poverty. I much prefer the one I'm on now.

I go to walmart and see overweight teenagers in pajams buying mountain dew and cheetos with wic cards and screaming at their children. These are the ugly poor. You can't put their face on a mailer.

They seem so different from me. I made better choices. I see why we don't invite them in. They are different.

But the difference doesn't make it right. I'm idealistic, and I'm throwing that out there to let you know I'm aware of how idealist what I'm about to say sounds: Maybe part of the problem is that no one has ever asked them. Maybe no one has ever valued what they say, so why even try to say something valuable?

I have seen people in Cambodia fall victim to the idea that only outside help matters, and I see it here. It's not because we have social safety net programs. While there are certainly people who abuse them, there are many who use them for the purpose for which they were intdended.

The reason many Cambodians relied on outside assistance was, in my opinion, because every told them they had to. Don't get me wrong, Cambodians certainly went through hell, and have needed outside assistance at various points throughout their history, but from the Colonial to UNTAC periods, they were not treated as people. To the French, they were resources, to the UN, a pawn in a much bigger political game.

I'm not going to talk about personal responsibility and poverty. I'm not going to talk about how systematic injustice impacts poverty. Those are too big for you or I to do anything about on our own. I will say that we can make better choices. We can choose to see the humanity in the people of walmart. We can invite them in. And we can be better for it.

And.... we're back!

Well, work took over my last for a month or so, but here is an amazing close up of the Andromeda galaxy to put that in perspective.
http://www.scoopwhoop.com/news/wow-nasa/


But for real.I complain a lot about how busy I am at work. And for the most part it's true, my job has all the fun of a regular 8-5, but also a lot of working with college students, so I get to work some nights and weekends too. Poor me.

One thing I'm committing to doing is to make the most of my downtime. I am very much a person who needs some alone time. But I have not taken care of this time; I haven't really used it.

I've been at my current place for about a year now. It's nice. It's not where I want to be forever. For now, it is good. There are a lot of things I would change about my circumstances, but I know that where I am is where I need to be now.

I have been kind of assuming I needed to wait for other things in my life to move forward. Social life, career, stuff like that.

It's a bit disheartening, because I can't really control many of those things. What I can control is what I do with downtime. In grad school, what little downtime I had was for completely shutting down my brain so it could rest. I'm past that point in my life, but I'm still in habit of doing nothing with my time.

That's something I can change. I'm trying to read more, which I will be posting about in the coming weeks. I'm using this blog mainly to keep myself to it.

I'm good at it on saturday mornings, as evidenced by this picture. Look how intellectual I am.

Yes, I still use Christmas mugs. Let me live my life.

My goals are to read more, learn languages, and new skills. Will this make me a better person? I hope. I believe that discipline is an important practice. It's also one which I suck at. I am an all or nothing sort of gal. I make grand plans, and one setback pushes me back to point where my grand plans are no long possible. So I talk to some food about it. I'm going to take things one day at a time. One workout at a time, One post at a time. And see how that goes.

Here's an adorable manatee to brighen your day.

Hacking online dating and other things I don't have the energy for...

If you're the sort of person who has TedTalks pop up on your newsfeed, or if you happen to be friends with those folks, you might have seen Amy Webb talk describing how she hacked online dating. Mad props to Ms. Webb for her commitment to data. 

As you might have gleaned from the title of this post, I don't really like things that are work. I like the idea of meeting people online, to a point. I like being able to connect with people and share ideas while bra-less (not in the sexy way, more like in the oversized hoodie way).

I also recognize that that isn't enough. I recognize the need to connect with other humans in real life, occupying the same physical space. This is where things get tricky. I can blame my natural introversion, my homeschooling, but the it doesn't really matter what the cause, the fact is that like many people my age, I have incurable awkwardness. We didn't grow up online, but we definitely came of age there. We were the first ones to use phones more for texting than calling, and we killed voicemail. Yeah, that was definitely us. Please just hang up and text me already.

Honestly, that's probably just another excuse. I've always been a bit of an outsider. A lone wolf. Ha. I jest. I'm more like a loan sloth. As I grew older, I found myself becoming more comfortable with who I was and better able to decide who I wanted to spend time with. It was great! And then I returned home.

Home is a great place, don't get me wrong. But home is a place where I never really fit in. I loved living abroad precisely because no one expected me to fit in. They expected me to weird and awkward. And I was, it was fabulous. 

I guess the point is that I hadn't really had to work to make connections or build relationships as an adult. Here, that is not the case. Which brings me to the point about Amy Webb's talk. Webb was highly committed to a goal and to an ideal. She knew that a great deal of work was necessary to acheive that goal, and she did it. And that's great for her.What I wonder is, what about those of us who aren't quite so data driven?

We all have different things that motivate us. Some of us need that goal to work toward. Some of us are driven by a need to be the best, some by a sense of adventure, some by a need for a stability. I like to think of myself as purpose driven. Purposes are different than goals. My problem with goals has always been that they are so narrow. One thing I have learned is that I don't know all the options. Some of the best things that have happened to me were things I didn't even know were possible. With hard and fast goals, at least to me, you remove the possibility of the unknown, of something greater.

So when I talk about being driven by purpose, I mean the purpose behind what I do. Is my working helping people? How can I make my work more effective? How can I best use my expertise? Maybe some people would say that helping people is a goal, and that's completely true. There are some who would say we need goals to prevent stagnation. Another excellent point.

What I am saying here is not meant to be a hard and fast approach to personality types or the pros and cons of goal-setting, I'm simply describing the way I see things. This does not mean that other ways of seeings things are lesser or invalid, just that they are different.

When I speak about people who are goal oriented, I am thinking about Webb and her spreadsheets and profile plots. So how can people like me make use of tools made for those who are more goal driven? What can Webb's search for the perfect man and perfect profile teach me about how to establish my own social networks? Can goals and data and spreadsheets help me to be an adult when it comes to seeking out and maintaining friendships? Probably so.

My first reaction to seeing this talk was one of appreciation, then dismissal. This could have no bearing on my life. I'm not even speaking specifically about this talk, but about all of the things I dismiss off-hand. My issue with goals is that they assume we have all the information we need, when we don't. So how can assume that ideas from those different to myself have no bearing on me or my life?

I truly believe in different strokes for different folks. Just because a particular method worked for one person doesn't make it a universal solution. The same method not working for a different person doesn't invalidate the method. I do think that we have something to learn from each other. When we keep preaching to our own respective choirs, we lose something important.

I can't tell you how data applies to my social life. I do know that I need to be more intentional, and more willing to work. As a young person, I always felt as though my intentional efforts at friendship were rejected, which led to me expecting the other person to do all the work in order to feel secure in the friendship. 

I have to relearn things. I have to be open to new ideas. And all of those things are mildly terrifying. #firstworldproblems, I know.

And here's a guinea pig in a sombrero because you deserve a little smile.

I got yelled at. AND figured out the cause of all the problems in the world.

Like a boss.

I was in a rough meeting today. One department wanted to vent their frustrations about an issue that my office deals with, but doesn't really control. I felt for them, I really did. They deal with this specific issue day-in and day-out.

So do we, of course, but many feel that this issue affects the security of their positions. This particular issue is something that I must deal with everyday myself, so I get how much it sucks. It makes it even worse that I feel so completely helpless. It's a bad problem, but not one with any discernible solution at present. It's not our fault, it's not their fault. 

Yet we still have to deal with it every day. There were some passionate words and raised voices, nothing mean spirited, just two sides trying to be understood.

Here's what the hardest part was: Both sides were right. Completely, totally right. Their views might be opposing, but at the end of the day, both were true. Both iffrefutably reflected reality. 

With all of hoopla over the recent elections, it just seems like it all comes down to that: Both sides are right, Both sides are biased, but both sides make salient points. 

We are so sure there is only right answer. It is ours. Given these assumptions, any answer that differs from ours must be wrong. 

It's so natural to us, we don't even question it. It's the reason no one wins. We are both right. We both see something to which the other side is blind. We both understand something fundamental and important. It marries us to a point of view, a way of thinking, an identity. We have to be right and they have to be wrong. 

I don't know what to do about it. I hear when others explain their grievances. I get frustrated when they don't see how much more complicated the whole thing is. I don't know how we find middle ground. Maybe we start with giving up the idea that being right is a zero sum game.

I voted, yo.

Yeah. I did my civic duty. I'm pretty much a national hero now. It's pretty sweet. I even drove 45 miles to get to the polling place. Wow, you say, that's dedication. Or perhaps you more reasonably ask why I had to drive 45 minutes to a polling place in the first place?

Well... It's likely related to the fact that I forgot to register in the county I moved too. But whatevs. Civic duty: done.

Fun stories, self-serving prose, and a manatee. What's not to love?

So I just back from a conference. In San Diego. Free plane tickets and hotels and meals and all that jazz. How grown up am I? Very. I just read an old blog post about how everything would go so well until I got to the ticket counter. Well I can't tell you much I appreciate online check-in taking care of that little problem for me. Yay America! I guess really the best part was spending a weekend with my whole family before heading out west. I don't think we'd all been together at once for years. It was a really special time. There was one downside. Strangely enough, shoving my face with seafood and sugar didn't do great things for my body.

 So I get on the plane, check into my hotel, and get up in the morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Ok, so that's inaccurate. I can't imagine a scenario in which the phrase bright-eyed and busy-tailed would describe me at any hour, but that morning it was as good as I was gonna get, motivationally speaking. Confession: now that I'm back in the U.S., this blog could accurately be summed up as "first world problems" or "stuff white people like." This is where stuff gets real. Apparently salt and flying and generally unhealthy lifestyle choices cause you feet to swell. And those adorable, comfortable flats you purchased and broke in just for this occasion... Well they are no longer broken in. Do I let this stop me? Heavens no, bravely I soldier on.

 The shoes, however, they bested me. I spent the rest of the week in the same pair of shoes, waiting for the day I could wear my beloved birkenstocks again. And they did not let me down. The conference ended Friday morning. So I used my excellent navigational skills to go exploring sunny San Diego all by lonesome. What could possibly go wrong? I decided to see the zoo, and I wanted to take the trolley. However google maps had this silly idea that the bus was the more direct route. Whatevs. So I wandered to the trolley. The station I found was near the actual San Diego depot. It was lovely and Spanish and old style, so of course I had to take pictures of it like a good tourist.

I procured a transit pass, the trolley thundered up to the platform, and I was off on adventures. There was still the matter of getting on to the trolley. Being the cool, savvy traveler that I am, upon seeing all doors were closed, I pretended it was cool and I played on my phone. If this trolley didn't want me, well by golly I had no use for it. I wasn't gonna knock on the door or anything, because that would just look stupid, right? Well after seeing a transient gentlemen of questionable mental acuity stand in front of the door, which turned out to be automatic, I reconsidered my approach.

If anyone was looking out the window at the weird white girl avoiding the train like her ex, saw that she just turned around and got on, that'd be weird, right? I seriously considered waiting for the next trolley. Yes. I know. #firstworld problems. But I mustered my courage, stepped up to the door, and indeed I was off on adventures. Except when we (me and 30 of my best middle school friends) were waiting for eternities at each subsequent station.

It was a really slow trolley. So with that under my belt, I decided to hop off and follow google's excellent bus advice. I walked around the block several times, much to the bemusement of the locals (whom I seem to bemuse wherever I go) looking for the bus stop. After much wandering, I finally found it! Next to the train station. Literally. I was so excited with my expert navigating. I hopped on the bus; adventures beginning anew. And begin they did indeed. As I watched the street names, I realized that I was in fact going the wrong direction. Unlike Chicago, San Diego's buses do not tell you what the next stop is.

It adds an element of mystery and excitement to the whole experience. Will it be Park and 1st? Park and Harbor? Who knows? Only God. So I deftly got off at the next stop, found a woman carrying heavy bags on to the bus, grabbed her bags, and we got on the bus going the right direction. By grabbed, I mean I assisted her carrying her bags onto the bus, I didn't mug her or anything. We set off adventuring! Get off at zoo drive, google tells me. Alas the bus driver is not as on top of his game as google. We breeze by various unnamed streets, occasionally stopping, never actually naming a location. So I decide that this is as good a place as any to stop. There's an animal poster. I get off I rediscovered my blog from SE Asia today. And I must say, used to be quite a good writer. You should definitely check it out. Seriously, it's worth your time.

https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6840395830571099844#allposts

It made me remember how much I love to write, how much it soothes my soul, and what an incredible sense of humor I have. Ah ha, I jest. Honestly, the reason I started reading my old stuff is because I was looking for ways to supplement my income and wanted to see if my old writing is any good. That's not really the point though. Between student loans and car troubles, I find myself in a place that 18 year old me never thought 28 year old me would be. Unable to save money. Well... unable may be a stretch. I like to buy stuff. And eat. So there's that. But more to the point, I keep thinking about who 18 year old me thought she might become vs where I am right now, at 28.


If tumblr is to be believed, I'm in the same boat as many other people my age. I can support myself, but loan payments cut into my disposable income. So I can't really buy things that I can't eat. But I do anyway.

But more to the point:


 I guess when I think about 18 yr old me, she was adorable. She was awkward. She had been told she had all the answers. Inside she was terrified that she didn't. She was going to live in a hut in rural unheard-of-third-world-country. She was going to make a difference. What that would look like, she couldn't really articulate.

But nevermind that. She wouldn't need to worry about money, because for one reason or another, she would always have enough. 10 years later, 18 yr old me was both spot on and wrong about everything. 18 yr old me knew the importance of serving strangers and travelers. But she thought that you needed to go far away to make a difference. 18 yr old me knew that she wanted to be independent.

She didn't understand that she couldn't be who she really was without the people around her. 18 yr old me knew that justice was big and important. She didn't understand that it was also small, and mundane. In many ways, I have become exactly who 18 yr old me knew she always. But my life looks nothing like she thought it would. That's fine. It's fine because she forgot that joy and fulfillment aren't about places but people. She wanted the outward trappings worldliness and sophistication.

Along the way, she learned that joy is where you are loved, there is no limit to the number of people you can fit in/on a truck, justice is both elusive and universal, and that nothing is as simple as it seems, and that most things boil down to doing right by people even when it's hard or they suck. 

Along the way, she's learned that caring for strangers and travelers can happen in your own backyard. That justice isn't glamourous, and that it's really hard. She's learned to milk sheep and cube mangoes and drive big vans and listen to what people have to say. She's failed at lots of things, from opening a coconut with a machete, to working at the UN, to knowing what to do with her face in pictures, to listening to what other people have to say.

She's made mistakes that have cost her. Done bad things she never thought she was capable of. Maybe changed her life. She's still messed up in a lot of ways. But it a lot of ways she's not. She's different now. Not better, or worse, just different. MUCH better at the whole driving thing in general. In her head, she is the most kind and understanding and compassionate person. In reality, well... You've probably figured that out by now. Don't get in her when she's driving a big van 18 yr old me would probably disapprove of 28 yr old me. But she'd get over it. Because she's tough like that. I guess a better title for this post would be "An Ode to Myself." Self-serving poetry's annoying, so I'll end with something much better: You, You there. Yes you. You are fabulous! Mainly because you're here reading this. But also for a host of other reasons. I don't need to explain. This manatee knows what's up.

Ah... Adulthood. Kind of. Sort of?

It's been forever! So much has happened since last we spoke. It's hard to believe those wild and wonderful Peace Corps times were almost four years ago! But enough about me. How are you? I hope you're well. Getting rest, taking your vitamins, smelling the roses, all that jazz. I was kind of lying earlier. That wasn't nearly enough about me. Since we last spoke I've been all over... the midwest. It's a great place, and if you've never visited, you absolutely, definitely should. Do it now! (Because soon it will be all kinds of cold and nasty, so you'll want to avoid that if possible).

So if you're wondering what enticed me back from my previous glamourous, exotic lifestyle, the answer is free graduate school. Yep, some schools do pretty great things for Returned Peace Corps Volunteers.

Yessirree, I came back and finished out my early twenties as God intended, finding myself (by which I mean interning my butt off, mastering lit reviews, sobbing about my thesis, and partaking in way too much Chinese food and netflix).

I got to explore the state of Illinois via driving international college students around in 15 passenger vans (you really haven't lived until you've had the entire beginnig English trying to direct you as you blindly back a giant van into traffic). I have had to explain Groundhog Day to many international guests. The most common response is "you know those things can't actually talk, right?"

Yes. But it illustrates a very significant aspect of my new adulthood, my post-peace corps life: America is pretty weird if you think about it. Why do we have a holiday pretending groundhogs talk? When did we decide on pajamas all day err'y day? Aeresol cheese? A hundred different kinds of aeresol cheese? Not judging, just saying, we're an eccectric people.

It took some getting used to when I came back. It took a lot of getting used to, in fact. Let me just tell you, when you are used to two-hour siestas everyday, the American work week is a MAJOR buzzkill. And don't even get me started about the weather. What, I have to go to work when it's raining? Come on guys.

There are, however, some which habits run so deeply, you just can't break them. My parents drilled punctuality into us as kids. It was never something I could unlearn, even after I showed up an hour late to a party and ended up still arriving an hour before anyone else. Ah, my punctual heart is happy again. And now we have these wonderful devices which allow us to arrive early and pretend to be doing important things! We don't have to just sit there like some lonely, over eager loser, now we can just be those super cool people who are so popular that everyone's always texting them.

That's a life win for this awkward turtle. It's funny that we seem to think that we should somehow be less awkward as we get older. That's absolutely not how it works (at least from my experience, if you are totally super smooth in your dotage, more power to you!). As I've gotten older, I've gotten a much better handle on who I am and what I want. I have completely lost the desire to be around people who are aren't bringing good things into their environment. Granted, I have to check myself on a regular basis to make sure that I'm bringing good things into my environment. But I'm definitely more discerning.

That's how I would love to think of myself, alas the truth is, I'm just awkward. It's a lot of work to meet people and talk to them. I mean all those buzzfeed lists about awkward people could have been written about me. However, the fact that somebody made a list tells me that I'm not the only one out there! Hooray! Awkward turtles unite! (but online first because meeting for the first time in person is exhausting).

Being awkward is good because at least it's honest. I did well in Cambodia because I could handle awkward. If I could update my resume into actual usable skills, awkward tolerance would be at the top. The thing is that it's ok to be an awkward foreigner in another country. It's different here though.  I was always kind of an awkward kid. I loved living overseas because awkwardness was expected from my weird, foreign self. Back in the states, it's a whole other ball game. When I first came back, I was really afraid.

After three years back, I feel like I own it. I am still super duper awkward. But it's fine. It happens. Life goes on. And it makes me wonder why it bothers us so much. Why do we expect that we should feel at ease in every situatoin? Why do we expect that we should exactly how to act in any situation? Is it that we watch too much tv? Is it because the camera doesn't cut away at the right moment in real life?

Why are normal things like elevator rides and bathroom run-ins and seeing someone you know down the hall when they're still too far to speak to so darn hard?

So now I do the most awkward thing ever. I work with international college students. No one ever really has any idea what's going on, and that's part of what makes it so great. It's honest. No one has it all together. Everyone feels like a fraud just waiting to be found out. We're all making it up as we go. And to be able to work in a place where that's understood is pretty amazing. For any job seeking youths out there, this is a very important quality to look for in any future workplace. Also I just love the word "youths" and wanted a reason to use it.

I always wanted to make a difference beyond the rural Midwest. I wanted to save the world. Or at least a part of it, preferably the poorer, mud hut-y parts. What I learned is that there are ton of people out there who are way more qualified than me to be saving the world.

That's great, because I have some great world-saving ideas, but I'm probably a bit lacking in the implentation area. So instead of running the U.N., or something fancy like that, I stuck to what I know. I know how to make super awkward interactions less awkward. I know how to help people talk to those who they might have felt were too different to understand them. I've learned how live honestly (not counting the jaywalking, of course). Also by not working in the UN I'm much less likely accidentally start a war or something. So you're welcome.

I have no idea what this new blog is going to be. The thoughts and musings of single gal and her pals just trying to make in the big city? Nope. Definitely not that. It might be fun anecdotes or thoughts on current events or maybe just cute pictures of baby animals. Who doesn't love baby animals? It's also possible Tina Fey memes will feature prominently. Who knows? Basically I just like typing words and I know you love reading them, so you're welcome again!