Look out! There are llamas!

This:ttps://youtu.be/hBaUmx5s6iE

But really, This:

This whole messaging thing is rough, guys. For some reason in 2015, you’re still expected to message first, and that’s not fair. Props to you for taking that risk. The ladies don’t respond, so it’s really tempting just to send out a bunch of ‘heys,’ like buckshot in hopes of hitting whatever’s moving. But that means us ladies get lots of ‘heys’ from lots of dudes and we can’t really weed through all that. Also nobody likes to be on the receiving end of buckshot. I’m not hating on you dudes, btw. Feel free to share the following with all those ladies out there who need to step up their messaging game.

So here are some tips:

1 – Filters – Most ladies I know who are on here, like myself, have filters on our inbox. I only see messages from dudes who are between 25-35 who are a good match. So if that’s not you, I bet you’re super cool, but there’s probably some other lady who will think you’re super cooler.

2 – Things to avoid

·         People who are a bad match/have nothing in common with you. If they’re very clearly not what you say you’re looking for, they might be sketched out. It’s probably a better use of everyone’s time if people with photos of the big buck they’ve just shot aren’t messaging vegans.

·         Generic stuff, hey, what’s up, how’s it going, etc. See above. I get that you might do that a bar or the supermarket or whatever, but in those situations you don’t know anything about her except that she’s in the same place you are and has different private parts. But here she’s written all kinds of cool things about herself, so you have something to talk about.

·         Don’t open with sex! If that’s what you’re on here for, more power to you. But make that clear in your profile, message her with an invitation to check out said profile and respond if she’s interested. That way you get what you’re looking for and she’s doesn’t report you and get your profile deleted.

·         Appearance/pics/profile – ex. You’re gorgeous*, I love your profile, nice pix, etc. That seems like it’d be a nice thing to say, right? A compliment! Those come off as very mass-texty kinds of things. You probably wouldn’t be messaging her if you didn’t find her at least slightly attractive. Lots of the ladies I’ve talked to get frustrated because they write cool things that they’ve done/like/are, but looks seem to a guy's go-to opener. You know there’s more to her than that, but she doesn’t know you know that. So skip ahead to mutual interests. *Some will be flattered by this, but ask yourself what kind of person is on here just to get compliments from strangers?

·         Wut, how ru? Sup, etc. It really does seem lazy and unintelligent. You’re not a lazy person, but that’s literally all she has to go on to make that assessment.

·         Creepin’. Some guys are creepy. Most women have had some kind of guy stalk them at some point in their life. She has no way of knowing whether or not you are that guy. So don’t get all bent out of shape if she doesn’t want to meet right away, or if she isn’t willing to tell you certain things like where she works. You’re not that person, but she might need some time to reassure herself of that before she’s willing to meet you.

3 – Things to do

·         The opposite of the above!

·         Be selective in who you message – if you really want to talk to her because she’s so hot, but you disagree on everything, she less likely to respond

·         Be original – think of what all your buddies might open with. That’s what she’s getting all. the. time. Try something different. What have you got to lose?

·         Send messages to which someone can respond. How does one respond to “Nice pix?” At most you can say thanks. But that’s about it. You’ve got info about her. Use it! Read not just the profile, but also the questions she’s answered. Some questions are effing dumb, but you might find out that you have some weird random thing in common, or you might she’s given a dealbreaker answer and you can just save yourself all that trouble

·         Be patient. You’re clearly super awesome since you’ve already read all this. It’s hard out there, and we forget that people on the other end side of screens are real people, not just a compilation of usernames and photos. I’m just as guilty of ignoring that fact as anyone

4 – Why won’t she respond?!?!

·         Who knows? Maybe she lost her phone? Maybe she decided to become Amish? Maybe she’s on an arctic expedition?

·         My personal experience, along with that of most women I’ve talked to, is that when men in whom we are not interested contact us, it’s better to ignore them than to be upfront.

·         WTF!?!?

·         90% of the time (a totally accurate scientific study, trust) we estimated men get pretty angry when we say we are not interested, demanding detailed reasons and often coming back with insults. You are not that guy. But again, she doesn’t know that.

If anyone has something like this for the ladies out there, do share!