A few months ago I posted about how I need to improve myself and make my life more fulfilling and all that jazz. Well I definitely didn't do that. And now my life may be slightly less fulfilling. So I'm giving it another go. Getting back on the horse. Hoo-effing-rah.
That's why I'm here. I can't get past the idea that I need to do two things: 1) learn/hone a skill, 2) get more in touch with God and practice mindfulness. This gives me a chance to do both. Publishing this makes me feel like I'm getting all the things inside of me out, but no one reads it, so it's a safe place to basically verbally vomit everywhere.
My writing used to be so much better, back when I did it. I let grow-up-ness and exhaustion, and honestly, laziness and comfort, take over.
So I need to develop skills. I'm starting with writing, but I want to learn something new. Coding? Samba? Flemish? I don't know. I'm honestly really scared that I don't have the discipline.
It's like my goal of losing 50 pounds by the time I'm 30. My 30th birthday is only 9 months away. Plenty of time, but I need to get on it. I'm doing better since my life slowed down. I'm eating out less, which means smaller portions and fewer sweets. It's still so scary though? What if I can't?
I know I can. It's possible. But the more important thing it doesn't speak to my self-worth. Whether or not a person accomplishes what they set out to do doesn't diminish them as a person. As a wise woman once said, just keep swimming.
And so I swim. I swim through I life I thoroughly enjoy, but find lacking. I swim and feel as though I'm not getting anywhere. But I also know that you get out of things what you put into them. Right now, I'm not putting in much effort to be honest. I'm waiting for excitement to come to me. I need to swim to it.
I struggle a lot with isolation and a feeling of disconnectedness right now. I'm a solid introvert, so it's hard for me to connect with people in general. I need to get to know them, feel safe, and the resulting connection is amazing. I go for quality over quantity.
Right now though, there's neither. I'm a single gal, an socially conscious, low maintenance introvert. Craft beer and TedTalks. That's my jam. I don't like dressing up, talking to strangers, or have any interest in celebrities. A night of facials, Sex and the City, boxed wine and then going out to dance in a crowded room with strangers is my own personal hell.
Living where I live, choices for BFF are pretty limited. Alas most of the other single gals are more of the Sex and the City type. Another struggle is that most people under 35 in this town went to school here. They developed social circles and have made a place for themselves. And so many of them are married with kids. *Whine alert* I feel like I'm the only one like me. That's what's rough. I have a great church, but I'm the only one under 50 for the most part. I have great friends, but they're all hundreds of miles away. Lonely island. Cry me a river.
I feel this even more accutely recently. I broke up. We met online and started dating after a weekend. We were so perfect for each other. I knew that I needed time to build a friendship before I'd really start having romantic feelings, but this guy was so incredibly like myself, I just couldn't pass it up. We rushed it. He threw his heart at me. Not only couldn't I catch it, I ran. Emotionally, the more he expressed his feelings, the less I felt for him. It was weird. We never had the connection I needed.
So now, I wonder if I'm actually capable of emotional connection. I want pout and wonder when it will be my turn. It's not even a romantic connection I'm looking for (thought that wouldn't hurt), I just want someone to know me. I want someone to relate to me, to let me know I'm not the only one.
I know that everyone feels this way. Right now all I can do is focus on making myself a better person. I have faith. Things change. Maybe I will be forever alone, but I don't have to take it lying down.
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