Look out! There are llamas!

This:ttps://youtu.be/hBaUmx5s6iE

But really, This:

This whole messaging thing is rough, guys. For some reason in 2015, you’re still expected to message first, and that’s not fair. Props to you for taking that risk. The ladies don’t respond, so it’s really tempting just to send out a bunch of ‘heys,’ like buckshot in hopes of hitting whatever’s moving. But that means us ladies get lots of ‘heys’ from lots of dudes and we can’t really weed through all that. Also nobody likes to be on the receiving end of buckshot. I’m not hating on you dudes, btw. Feel free to share the following with all those ladies out there who need to step up their messaging game.

So here are some tips:

1 – Filters – Most ladies I know who are on here, like myself, have filters on our inbox. I only see messages from dudes who are between 25-35 who are a good match. So if that’s not you, I bet you’re super cool, but there’s probably some other lady who will think you’re super cooler.

2 – Things to avoid

·         People who are a bad match/have nothing in common with you. If they’re very clearly not what you say you’re looking for, they might be sketched out. It’s probably a better use of everyone’s time if people with photos of the big buck they’ve just shot aren’t messaging vegans.

·         Generic stuff, hey, what’s up, how’s it going, etc. See above. I get that you might do that a bar or the supermarket or whatever, but in those situations you don’t know anything about her except that she’s in the same place you are and has different private parts. But here she’s written all kinds of cool things about herself, so you have something to talk about.

·         Don’t open with sex! If that’s what you’re on here for, more power to you. But make that clear in your profile, message her with an invitation to check out said profile and respond if she’s interested. That way you get what you’re looking for and she’s doesn’t report you and get your profile deleted.

·         Appearance/pics/profile – ex. You’re gorgeous*, I love your profile, nice pix, etc. That seems like it’d be a nice thing to say, right? A compliment! Those come off as very mass-texty kinds of things. You probably wouldn’t be messaging her if you didn’t find her at least slightly attractive. Lots of the ladies I’ve talked to get frustrated because they write cool things that they’ve done/like/are, but looks seem to a guy's go-to opener. You know there’s more to her than that, but she doesn’t know you know that. So skip ahead to mutual interests. *Some will be flattered by this, but ask yourself what kind of person is on here just to get compliments from strangers?

·         Wut, how ru? Sup, etc. It really does seem lazy and unintelligent. You’re not a lazy person, but that’s literally all she has to go on to make that assessment.

·         Creepin’. Some guys are creepy. Most women have had some kind of guy stalk them at some point in their life. She has no way of knowing whether or not you are that guy. So don’t get all bent out of shape if she doesn’t want to meet right away, or if she isn’t willing to tell you certain things like where she works. You’re not that person, but she might need some time to reassure herself of that before she’s willing to meet you.

3 – Things to do

·         The opposite of the above!

·         Be selective in who you message – if you really want to talk to her because she’s so hot, but you disagree on everything, she less likely to respond

·         Be original – think of what all your buddies might open with. That’s what she’s getting all. the. time. Try something different. What have you got to lose?

·         Send messages to which someone can respond. How does one respond to “Nice pix?” At most you can say thanks. But that’s about it. You’ve got info about her. Use it! Read not just the profile, but also the questions she’s answered. Some questions are effing dumb, but you might find out that you have some weird random thing in common, or you might she’s given a dealbreaker answer and you can just save yourself all that trouble

·         Be patient. You’re clearly super awesome since you’ve already read all this. It’s hard out there, and we forget that people on the other end side of screens are real people, not just a compilation of usernames and photos. I’m just as guilty of ignoring that fact as anyone

4 – Why won’t she respond?!?!

·         Who knows? Maybe she lost her phone? Maybe she decided to become Amish? Maybe she’s on an arctic expedition?

·         My personal experience, along with that of most women I’ve talked to, is that when men in whom we are not interested contact us, it’s better to ignore them than to be upfront.

·         WTF!?!?

·         90% of the time (a totally accurate scientific study, trust) we estimated men get pretty angry when we say we are not interested, demanding detailed reasons and often coming back with insults. You are not that guy. But again, she doesn’t know that.

If anyone has something like this for the ladies out there, do share!

In defense of ridiculously high standards

Are you a 20 or 30 something fabulous single unicorn? Is no one out there quite right for you? Why are you still single? I'll tell you why.

1. Your standards are too high. And that's a good thing. Most of the time.* As an adult, you've probably had some experiences with all kinds of people of the opposite sex who exhibit characteristics that make them rather dramatic. At this point in your life, you've identified things you need and things you really can't handle. That's a good thing. *

                  *A couple caveats, though.

You can't expect something from someone that you don't have to offer. For example, if you don't look like Denzel, don't be thinking that only a Beyoncé will do for you. If you have a beer belly, don't be all like "yeah she'd be cute if she lost a few pounds." If you only watch reality TV and smoke cigarettes all day, don't be thinking some doctor/model/sports star will come and sweep you off your feet.

Be real about what you need and what you can't handle. Maybe you think a college education is necessary and you could never date someone who's divorced. Maybe, maybe not. Always be evaluating. But when you know something real, don't let go of it.

2. You're a strong, independent lady who don't need no man. Or a man who don't need no lady, or a person of any gender who don't need any sort of significant other. At this point in your life, you got this. You don't need someone to protect you or to take care of you. And you don't want someone who has to play that role all the time. You want someone who wants to be by your side, not someone who gets off on your neediness. We all want to feel needed, and society pretty much conditions to guys to base their self-worth on how badly people need them. We do need you, not to slay our dragons for us to but to fight back to back with us when they start sprouting more screaming dragon heads. We don't need you to fix our problems or calm our storms, we need you to be by our side when life takes a shit on us, and when we are on top of the world.

3. You're an introvert. Ok, so this one isn’t' nearly as appealing to my vanity as the others. The truth is that I'm often happiest when I'm alone. I can entertain myself for hours just with my own thoughts. I feel deeply and think deeply, so it's very hard to me to get through the superficiality of dealing with people. I know you have to start somewhere, but it's hard.

4. You have deeply held beliefs that you just can't compromise in order to conform. I'm a progressive, feminist Christian. Feminism and Christianity often seem diametrically opposed, but to me they are two sides of the same coin. I found feminism in embracing Christianity. In my life, one can't exist without the other. Alas, in the Midwest, people who share my opinions on this do not tend to be straight, single men. So for me, it feels as though either way I go, I have to deny a part of myself. There are Christian men who would be fine with my values, even if they didn't agree, and progressive men who would be fine with my faith, even if they didn't agree. But I don't want someone who's just "fine" with who I am. I want someone I can share that with. So right now, that means Fridays with TedTalks and Nutella.

5. The education gap. Especially in the rural Midwest. More women than men in this area go to college. So this doesn't just mean that people are less likely to be in the same place in their young adult years, but also that the difference in education generally produces a difference in career paths. Single men and single women are just less likely to meet each other. And when they do, they are less likely to have things in common.

So that's it. It's why I think high standards are a good thing. I'm not saying that if you're married your standards were low. And I acknowledge that I'm coming at this issue as a person who has never planned on getting married (at least since I realized it wasn't a requirement) and who has no desire for children. For those of you in different situations, I know that it might seem like you have to choose between what you want and what's available. I get that.

But honestly, I'm not writing this for you. I'm writing it for me. I'm writing this because I need a way to deal with isolation and disconnection I feel in my own life. What, you may ask? "But you're clearly so witty and charming, probably have all sort of rich eligible bachelors vying for your hand while you reconnoiter with your CEO girlfriends." You'd think so, I know. But the truth is that I've never really fit. And I'm a place in my life where I feel that now more than ever. I'm in a place of almost fitting. I have a lot in common with some people, but I just don't fit. I just can't connect. I'm not sure what to do about it. I do know there are things about me I need to work on. And I refuse to believe that I'm the only out there who feels this way. So for all of you wondering what's wrong with you and whether you'll ever find someone, I'm just gonna suggest blind faith. It won't cost you anything. It'll make you vulnerable, but it will make you stronger too. So I'll leave with my favorite prayer: All shall be well and all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well. Peace, love, and chocolate.

Self-discovery and other smart-sounding things

A few months ago I posted about how I need to improve myself and make my life more fulfilling and all that jazz. Well I definitely didn't do that. And now my life may be slightly less fulfilling. So I'm giving it another go. Getting back on the horse. Hoo-effing-rah.

That's why I'm here. I can't get past the idea that I need to do two things: 1) learn/hone a skill, 2) get more in touch with God and practice mindfulness. This gives me a chance to do both. Publishing this makes me feel like I'm getting all the things inside of me out, but no one reads it, so it's  a safe place to basically verbally vomit everywhere.

My writing used to be so much better, back when I did it. I let grow-up-ness and exhaustion, and honestly, laziness and comfort, take over.

So I need to develop skills. I'm starting with writing, but I want to learn something new. Coding? Samba? Flemish? I don't know. I'm honestly really scared that I don't have the discipline.

It's like my goal of losing 50 pounds by the time I'm 30. My 30th birthday is only 9 months away. Plenty of time, but I need to get on it. I'm doing better since my life slowed down. I'm eating out less, which means smaller portions and fewer sweets. It's still so scary though? What if I can't?

I know I can. It's possible. But the more important thing it doesn't speak to my self-worth. Whether or not a person accomplishes what they set out to do doesn't diminish them as a person. As a wise woman once said, just keep swimming.

And so I swim. I swim through I life I thoroughly enjoy, but find lacking. I swim and feel as though I'm not getting anywhere. But I also know that you get out of things what you put into them. Right now, I'm not putting in much effort to be honest. I'm waiting for excitement to come to me. I need to swim to it.

I struggle a lot with isolation and a feeling of disconnectedness right now. I'm a solid introvert, so it's hard for me to connect with people in general. I need to get to know them, feel safe, and the resulting connection is amazing. I go for quality over quantity.

Right now though, there's neither. I'm a single gal, an socially conscious, low maintenance introvert. Craft beer and TedTalks. That's my jam. I don't like dressing up, talking to strangers, or have any interest in celebrities. A night of facials, Sex and the City, boxed wine and then going out to dance in a crowded room with strangers is my own personal hell.

Living where I live, choices for BFF are pretty limited. Alas most of the other single gals are more of the Sex and the City type. Another struggle is that most people under 35 in this town went to school here. They developed social circles and have made a place for themselves. And so many of them are married with kids. *Whine alert* I feel like I'm the only one like me. That's what's rough. I have a great church, but I'm the only one under 50 for the most part. I have great friends, but they're all hundreds of miles away. Lonely island. Cry me a river.

I feel this even more accutely recently. I broke up. We met online and started dating after a weekend. We were so perfect for each other. I knew that I needed time to build a friendship before I'd really start having romantic feelings, but this guy was so incredibly like myself, I just couldn't pass it up. We rushed it. He threw his heart at me. Not only couldn't I catch it, I ran. Emotionally, the more he expressed his feelings, the less I felt for him. It was weird. We never had the connection I needed.

So now, I wonder if I'm actually capable of emotional connection. I want pout and wonder when it will be my turn. It's not even a romantic connection I'm looking for (thought that wouldn't hurt), I just want someone to know me. I want someone to relate to me, to let me know I'm not the only one.

I know that everyone feels this way. Right now all I can do is focus on making myself a better person. I have faith. Things change. Maybe I will be forever alone, but I don't have to take it lying down.

Eek. Feels. Or lack thereof.

Online dating has come to an end for now. I am now faced with the challenges of having a grown up relationship while not being a grown up at all.

There are so many unknowns, so many uncertainties. I have never been involved in anything with potential to last for more than a couple years. The things that I never needed to be certain about suddenly matter.

I've never thought of myself as a commitment-phobe. I just have a deep-seated fear of making solid plans that I won't be able to keep. I fear locking myself into just one option rather than keeping my options open.... But I think that's pretty much the definition of commitment... So perhaps I wasn't as self aware as I thought?

There aren't butterflies. There aren't warm fuzzies. There are things that give me pause me for thought, things that could go either way.

Do I need warm fuzzies? Will they show up one day? Who knows. I want resolution. I can't stand to let things go unresolved. I've realized that's problem. Because I don't really want resolution. I want the resolution I've decided had ought to be.

Life doesn't work that way. I have to wait patiently. I have to see. I have to figure out if my theory that my lack of warm fuzzy feelings are due to the fact that his emotionality brings out the most rational parts of my nature, or if that's just total bullshit and I'm afraid to let myself feel. Maybe I'm afraid of the answers.

In more exciting news, veggietales is now on Netflix. If you're not excited about this development, then I'm afraid we can't be friends anymore. Seriously.

A singing cucumber? An adorable manatee? That's what I'll be doing the rest of the week. Bri out.

"If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God is kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love."

Julian of Norwich.

Deep.

Scarcity, Identity & Filtered Photos.

So the whole "girl blogger reader" thing seems to have a few requirements that I've noticed. One is a filtered photo of your coffee or tea cup. Cool, I can do that. Here goes. 

Anthropologie cup and woven blanket. Hipster win.

But we're also supposed to post pictures of the covers of the books we're reading apparently. Well I'm gonna lose my hipster cred by admitting that my current read is on my kindle app. You already know what an Ipad looks like. So I'll spare you the pic and just give you my stream of consciousness thoughts on it.

I'm reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Her TedTalks are out of the this world, check them out.

The books is about vulnerability, but she starts by laying a foundation that I would never have connected to vulnerability. 

It starts with scarcity. We define ourselves by a particular attribute, it follows that we must perceive that attribute as scarce in order for the attribute to bestow on us any value. This leads us to feel threatened by others exhibiting anything that is similar to our attribute.

So mind mind jumped over here to how I don’t like the phrase “You can be anything you want to be.” You are not a thing. You are a person. You are not defined by your profession. You cannot engage in any profession you want. You will always, in some way, be limited by circumstances.

But you can choose who you want to be. You don’t have to be limited by other people’s boxes. You can be a Christian Feminist, a Blue Collar Yogi, a Philosopher Farmer. Mutual exclusivity really needs to be rethought. Don’t let anyone tell you that one part of your identity negates another.

We are none of us one thing. We are a mixture of so much. All the things that make up who are matter. They are equally true. Focusing on one is not healthy. Denying is not healthy. We have to understand that we cannot be summed up in sentence, or four letters, or a color, or a status, or google analytics. Those things are not who we are.

We are surrounded by choices. But they aren’t always either/or propositions, even though they are generally put to us that way. So many dichotomies are so fundamentally false. We forget that Truth is not scarce. Two opposite statements can be equally true. Humans are evil. Humans are valuable. You are fucked-up. You are enough, just as you are. You can be more. You will always matter.

We are so worried about becoming what we want to be that we forgot to consider who we want to be. If we want to be people who are brave enough to be vulnerable, people who matter to others, people who show others just how much they matter, we need to take a step back.

You can’t be anything you want. You can be anyone you want. Who do you want to be? Because that person will be who they are whether they’re working in a factory, on a stage, in an office, a hospital, or living in a van down by the river.

Don’t be afraid to be happy. The world tells you not to because you’ll lose whatever happiness you find. Maybe. Dare to be happy anyway. Nothing lasts forever, happiness is no exception. But that means sadness doesn’t last forever. Neither are they mutually exclusive. You can find joy in sadness, and happiness punctuated by grief. The presence of one doesn’t negate the other. 

You won't always be happy, and that's fine. But some happiness is better than avoiding from happiness because you know it's fleeting. That's not brave. And it doesn't keep you from being hurt.

You can be happy. You can be happy with the person you are and the things you do, even there's no one to validate. We are really obsessed with sharing. We can't just enjoy a photo or that witty thing we wrote. We have to share it with the world. This blog is a perfect example. 

Don't get me wrong, sharing is great. It can foster connection, let us know we aren't alone, and open us up to new things we wouldn't otherwise be able to experience. We need to share. But we shouldn't rely on sharing. We rely on others relating to the things we produce to validate ourselves. That is certainly powerful, but shouldn't be the only measuring stick we use. There's nothing wrong with appreciating your work just because it's your work.

There's nothing wrong with working on a project that takes time. Most of us can't really work on long-term projects because we can't immediately share it. We play draw something instead of actually drawing things. I think it's because we can share that immediately, we can get validation immediately. Just my thoughts. Here's a cute kitten dressed like Kermit.

Being a better person: Week 1

I have been doing fairly well at my goal of reading more, watching less crap, and generally being more thoughtful.

I have almost made it through Peter Enn's Inspiration and Incarnation, which is not really my style, but definitely worth the read. This is especially true if you really want to like the Bible, but find it super duper problematic.

I'm trying to read more literature, but have found myself drawn far more blogs at this point. Today's post is based off Rebecca Lujan Loveless' post over here.

She says a lot of powerful things, but what struck a nerve with me is her mention of how poor people are not involved in the discussion about how to alleviate poverty.

Just take at the recent World Economic Forum in Davos for evidence of this. While Davos is defnitely an extreme example, Ms. Lujan Loveless has a point. We don't invite homeless people to the homelessness discussion. We don't invite the single moms working two or three jobs. Sometimes we invite the pretty poor, or the formerly poor, but we sure don't invite the ugly poor.

We can feel sorry for the pretty poor. We can put their faces on our blogs and raise money to get them backpacks and shoes and stuff. I'm not saying this is bad, but it isn't the truth about poverty. We don't talk to the people who frighten us, we don't invite them in.

I think the reason is because they're still broken. We see poverty and poor people as one and the same. We don't invite poor people to tell us how to alleviate poverty, because how could they know, they're poor!

We see them as part of the problem. Only those who have overcome poverty can tell others how to do. Poverty is a problem to be solved. Poor people are a problem to be sovled.

We still see poverty as an individual failing. Some people have better excuses than others, but the fact remains that we don't invite a minimum wage worker to speak on poverty precisely because he or she clearly can't extricate him/herself from the minimum wage job (but they should still be happy to even have a job and just stop complaining already, but that's a post for another time).

Poor people are not a problem to be solved. Poor people are people. Sure, there are some who may have "put themselves in poverty", but there are many rich people who are rich simply by the virtue of being born to the right parents.

Poor people are people. And as long as we consider them to be "other," we can't do a damn thing about poverty.

I have lived on both sides of the poverty. I much prefer the one I'm on now.

I go to walmart and see overweight teenagers in pajams buying mountain dew and cheetos with wic cards and screaming at their children. These are the ugly poor. You can't put their face on a mailer.

They seem so different from me. I made better choices. I see why we don't invite them in. They are different.

But the difference doesn't make it right. I'm idealistic, and I'm throwing that out there to let you know I'm aware of how idealist what I'm about to say sounds: Maybe part of the problem is that no one has ever asked them. Maybe no one has ever valued what they say, so why even try to say something valuable?

I have seen people in Cambodia fall victim to the idea that only outside help matters, and I see it here. It's not because we have social safety net programs. While there are certainly people who abuse them, there are many who use them for the purpose for which they were intdended.

The reason many Cambodians relied on outside assistance was, in my opinion, because every told them they had to. Don't get me wrong, Cambodians certainly went through hell, and have needed outside assistance at various points throughout their history, but from the Colonial to UNTAC periods, they were not treated as people. To the French, they were resources, to the UN, a pawn in a much bigger political game.

I'm not going to talk about personal responsibility and poverty. I'm not going to talk about how systematic injustice impacts poverty. Those are too big for you or I to do anything about on our own. I will say that we can make better choices. We can choose to see the humanity in the people of walmart. We can invite them in. And we can be better for it.

And.... we're back!

Well, work took over my last for a month or so, but here is an amazing close up of the Andromeda galaxy to put that in perspective.
http://www.scoopwhoop.com/news/wow-nasa/


But for real.I complain a lot about how busy I am at work. And for the most part it's true, my job has all the fun of a regular 8-5, but also a lot of working with college students, so I get to work some nights and weekends too. Poor me.

One thing I'm committing to doing is to make the most of my downtime. I am very much a person who needs some alone time. But I have not taken care of this time; I haven't really used it.

I've been at my current place for about a year now. It's nice. It's not where I want to be forever. For now, it is good. There are a lot of things I would change about my circumstances, but I know that where I am is where I need to be now.

I have been kind of assuming I needed to wait for other things in my life to move forward. Social life, career, stuff like that.

It's a bit disheartening, because I can't really control many of those things. What I can control is what I do with downtime. In grad school, what little downtime I had was for completely shutting down my brain so it could rest. I'm past that point in my life, but I'm still in habit of doing nothing with my time.

That's something I can change. I'm trying to read more, which I will be posting about in the coming weeks. I'm using this blog mainly to keep myself to it.

I'm good at it on saturday mornings, as evidenced by this picture. Look how intellectual I am.

Yes, I still use Christmas mugs. Let me live my life.

My goals are to read more, learn languages, and new skills. Will this make me a better person? I hope. I believe that discipline is an important practice. It's also one which I suck at. I am an all or nothing sort of gal. I make grand plans, and one setback pushes me back to point where my grand plans are no long possible. So I talk to some food about it. I'm going to take things one day at a time. One workout at a time, One post at a time. And see how that goes.

Here's an adorable manatee to brighen your day.