In defense of ridiculously high standards

Are you a 20 or 30 something fabulous single unicorn? Is no one out there quite right for you? Why are you still single? I'll tell you why.

1. Your standards are too high. And that's a good thing. Most of the time.* As an adult, you've probably had some experiences with all kinds of people of the opposite sex who exhibit characteristics that make them rather dramatic. At this point in your life, you've identified things you need and things you really can't handle. That's a good thing. *

                  *A couple caveats, though.

You can't expect something from someone that you don't have to offer. For example, if you don't look like Denzel, don't be thinking that only a Beyoncé will do for you. If you have a beer belly, don't be all like "yeah she'd be cute if she lost a few pounds." If you only watch reality TV and smoke cigarettes all day, don't be thinking some doctor/model/sports star will come and sweep you off your feet.

Be real about what you need and what you can't handle. Maybe you think a college education is necessary and you could never date someone who's divorced. Maybe, maybe not. Always be evaluating. But when you know something real, don't let go of it.

2. You're a strong, independent lady who don't need no man. Or a man who don't need no lady, or a person of any gender who don't need any sort of significant other. At this point in your life, you got this. You don't need someone to protect you or to take care of you. And you don't want someone who has to play that role all the time. You want someone who wants to be by your side, not someone who gets off on your neediness. We all want to feel needed, and society pretty much conditions to guys to base their self-worth on how badly people need them. We do need you, not to slay our dragons for us to but to fight back to back with us when they start sprouting more screaming dragon heads. We don't need you to fix our problems or calm our storms, we need you to be by our side when life takes a shit on us, and when we are on top of the world.

3. You're an introvert. Ok, so this one isn’t' nearly as appealing to my vanity as the others. The truth is that I'm often happiest when I'm alone. I can entertain myself for hours just with my own thoughts. I feel deeply and think deeply, so it's very hard to me to get through the superficiality of dealing with people. I know you have to start somewhere, but it's hard.

4. You have deeply held beliefs that you just can't compromise in order to conform. I'm a progressive, feminist Christian. Feminism and Christianity often seem diametrically opposed, but to me they are two sides of the same coin. I found feminism in embracing Christianity. In my life, one can't exist without the other. Alas, in the Midwest, people who share my opinions on this do not tend to be straight, single men. So for me, it feels as though either way I go, I have to deny a part of myself. There are Christian men who would be fine with my values, even if they didn't agree, and progressive men who would be fine with my faith, even if they didn't agree. But I don't want someone who's just "fine" with who I am. I want someone I can share that with. So right now, that means Fridays with TedTalks and Nutella.

5. The education gap. Especially in the rural Midwest. More women than men in this area go to college. So this doesn't just mean that people are less likely to be in the same place in their young adult years, but also that the difference in education generally produces a difference in career paths. Single men and single women are just less likely to meet each other. And when they do, they are less likely to have things in common.

So that's it. It's why I think high standards are a good thing. I'm not saying that if you're married your standards were low. And I acknowledge that I'm coming at this issue as a person who has never planned on getting married (at least since I realized it wasn't a requirement) and who has no desire for children. For those of you in different situations, I know that it might seem like you have to choose between what you want and what's available. I get that.

But honestly, I'm not writing this for you. I'm writing it for me. I'm writing this because I need a way to deal with isolation and disconnection I feel in my own life. What, you may ask? "But you're clearly so witty and charming, probably have all sort of rich eligible bachelors vying for your hand while you reconnoiter with your CEO girlfriends." You'd think so, I know. But the truth is that I've never really fit. And I'm a place in my life where I feel that now more than ever. I'm in a place of almost fitting. I have a lot in common with some people, but I just don't fit. I just can't connect. I'm not sure what to do about it. I do know there are things about me I need to work on. And I refuse to believe that I'm the only out there who feels this way. So for all of you wondering what's wrong with you and whether you'll ever find someone, I'm just gonna suggest blind faith. It won't cost you anything. It'll make you vulnerable, but it will make you stronger too. So I'll leave with my favorite prayer: All shall be well and all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well. Peace, love, and chocolate.

Self-discovery and other smart-sounding things

A few months ago I posted about how I need to improve myself and make my life more fulfilling and all that jazz. Well I definitely didn't do that. And now my life may be slightly less fulfilling. So I'm giving it another go. Getting back on the horse. Hoo-effing-rah.

That's why I'm here. I can't get past the idea that I need to do two things: 1) learn/hone a skill, 2) get more in touch with God and practice mindfulness. This gives me a chance to do both. Publishing this makes me feel like I'm getting all the things inside of me out, but no one reads it, so it's  a safe place to basically verbally vomit everywhere.

My writing used to be so much better, back when I did it. I let grow-up-ness and exhaustion, and honestly, laziness and comfort, take over.

So I need to develop skills. I'm starting with writing, but I want to learn something new. Coding? Samba? Flemish? I don't know. I'm honestly really scared that I don't have the discipline.

It's like my goal of losing 50 pounds by the time I'm 30. My 30th birthday is only 9 months away. Plenty of time, but I need to get on it. I'm doing better since my life slowed down. I'm eating out less, which means smaller portions and fewer sweets. It's still so scary though? What if I can't?

I know I can. It's possible. But the more important thing it doesn't speak to my self-worth. Whether or not a person accomplishes what they set out to do doesn't diminish them as a person. As a wise woman once said, just keep swimming.

And so I swim. I swim through I life I thoroughly enjoy, but find lacking. I swim and feel as though I'm not getting anywhere. But I also know that you get out of things what you put into them. Right now, I'm not putting in much effort to be honest. I'm waiting for excitement to come to me. I need to swim to it.

I struggle a lot with isolation and a feeling of disconnectedness right now. I'm a solid introvert, so it's hard for me to connect with people in general. I need to get to know them, feel safe, and the resulting connection is amazing. I go for quality over quantity.

Right now though, there's neither. I'm a single gal, an socially conscious, low maintenance introvert. Craft beer and TedTalks. That's my jam. I don't like dressing up, talking to strangers, or have any interest in celebrities. A night of facials, Sex and the City, boxed wine and then going out to dance in a crowded room with strangers is my own personal hell.

Living where I live, choices for BFF are pretty limited. Alas most of the other single gals are more of the Sex and the City type. Another struggle is that most people under 35 in this town went to school here. They developed social circles and have made a place for themselves. And so many of them are married with kids. *Whine alert* I feel like I'm the only one like me. That's what's rough. I have a great church, but I'm the only one under 50 for the most part. I have great friends, but they're all hundreds of miles away. Lonely island. Cry me a river.

I feel this even more accutely recently. I broke up. We met online and started dating after a weekend. We were so perfect for each other. I knew that I needed time to build a friendship before I'd really start having romantic feelings, but this guy was so incredibly like myself, I just couldn't pass it up. We rushed it. He threw his heart at me. Not only couldn't I catch it, I ran. Emotionally, the more he expressed his feelings, the less I felt for him. It was weird. We never had the connection I needed.

So now, I wonder if I'm actually capable of emotional connection. I want pout and wonder when it will be my turn. It's not even a romantic connection I'm looking for (thought that wouldn't hurt), I just want someone to know me. I want someone to relate to me, to let me know I'm not the only one.

I know that everyone feels this way. Right now all I can do is focus on making myself a better person. I have faith. Things change. Maybe I will be forever alone, but I don't have to take it lying down.