Eek. Feels. Or lack thereof.

Online dating has come to an end for now. I am now faced with the challenges of having a grown up relationship while not being a grown up at all.

There are so many unknowns, so many uncertainties. I have never been involved in anything with potential to last for more than a couple years. The things that I never needed to be certain about suddenly matter.

I've never thought of myself as a commitment-phobe. I just have a deep-seated fear of making solid plans that I won't be able to keep. I fear locking myself into just one option rather than keeping my options open.... But I think that's pretty much the definition of commitment... So perhaps I wasn't as self aware as I thought?

There aren't butterflies. There aren't warm fuzzies. There are things that give me pause me for thought, things that could go either way.

Do I need warm fuzzies? Will they show up one day? Who knows. I want resolution. I can't stand to let things go unresolved. I've realized that's problem. Because I don't really want resolution. I want the resolution I've decided had ought to be.

Life doesn't work that way. I have to wait patiently. I have to see. I have to figure out if my theory that my lack of warm fuzzy feelings are due to the fact that his emotionality brings out the most rational parts of my nature, or if that's just total bullshit and I'm afraid to let myself feel. Maybe I'm afraid of the answers.

In more exciting news, veggietales is now on Netflix. If you're not excited about this development, then I'm afraid we can't be friends anymore. Seriously.

A singing cucumber? An adorable manatee? That's what I'll be doing the rest of the week. Bri out.

"If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God is kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love."

Julian of Norwich.

Deep.