Hacking online dating and other things I don't have the energy for...

If you're the sort of person who has TedTalks pop up on your newsfeed, or if you happen to be friends with those folks, you might have seen Amy Webb talk describing how she hacked online dating. Mad props to Ms. Webb for her commitment to data. 

As you might have gleaned from the title of this post, I don't really like things that are work. I like the idea of meeting people online, to a point. I like being able to connect with people and share ideas while bra-less (not in the sexy way, more like in the oversized hoodie way).

I also recognize that that isn't enough. I recognize the need to connect with other humans in real life, occupying the same physical space. This is where things get tricky. I can blame my natural introversion, my homeschooling, but the it doesn't really matter what the cause, the fact is that like many people my age, I have incurable awkwardness. We didn't grow up online, but we definitely came of age there. We were the first ones to use phones more for texting than calling, and we killed voicemail. Yeah, that was definitely us. Please just hang up and text me already.

Honestly, that's probably just another excuse. I've always been a bit of an outsider. A lone wolf. Ha. I jest. I'm more like a loan sloth. As I grew older, I found myself becoming more comfortable with who I was and better able to decide who I wanted to spend time with. It was great! And then I returned home.

Home is a great place, don't get me wrong. But home is a place where I never really fit in. I loved living abroad precisely because no one expected me to fit in. They expected me to weird and awkward. And I was, it was fabulous. 

I guess the point is that I hadn't really had to work to make connections or build relationships as an adult. Here, that is not the case. Which brings me to the point about Amy Webb's talk. Webb was highly committed to a goal and to an ideal. She knew that a great deal of work was necessary to acheive that goal, and she did it. And that's great for her.What I wonder is, what about those of us who aren't quite so data driven?

We all have different things that motivate us. Some of us need that goal to work toward. Some of us are driven by a need to be the best, some by a sense of adventure, some by a need for a stability. I like to think of myself as purpose driven. Purposes are different than goals. My problem with goals has always been that they are so narrow. One thing I have learned is that I don't know all the options. Some of the best things that have happened to me were things I didn't even know were possible. With hard and fast goals, at least to me, you remove the possibility of the unknown, of something greater.

So when I talk about being driven by purpose, I mean the purpose behind what I do. Is my working helping people? How can I make my work more effective? How can I best use my expertise? Maybe some people would say that helping people is a goal, and that's completely true. There are some who would say we need goals to prevent stagnation. Another excellent point.

What I am saying here is not meant to be a hard and fast approach to personality types or the pros and cons of goal-setting, I'm simply describing the way I see things. This does not mean that other ways of seeings things are lesser or invalid, just that they are different.

When I speak about people who are goal oriented, I am thinking about Webb and her spreadsheets and profile plots. So how can people like me make use of tools made for those who are more goal driven? What can Webb's search for the perfect man and perfect profile teach me about how to establish my own social networks? Can goals and data and spreadsheets help me to be an adult when it comes to seeking out and maintaining friendships? Probably so.

My first reaction to seeing this talk was one of appreciation, then dismissal. This could have no bearing on my life. I'm not even speaking specifically about this talk, but about all of the things I dismiss off-hand. My issue with goals is that they assume we have all the information we need, when we don't. So how can assume that ideas from those different to myself have no bearing on me or my life?

I truly believe in different strokes for different folks. Just because a particular method worked for one person doesn't make it a universal solution. The same method not working for a different person doesn't invalidate the method. I do think that we have something to learn from each other. When we keep preaching to our own respective choirs, we lose something important.

I can't tell you how data applies to my social life. I do know that I need to be more intentional, and more willing to work. As a young person, I always felt as though my intentional efforts at friendship were rejected, which led to me expecting the other person to do all the work in order to feel secure in the friendship. 

I have to relearn things. I have to be open to new ideas. And all of those things are mildly terrifying. #firstworldproblems, I know.

And here's a guinea pig in a sombrero because you deserve a little smile.

I got yelled at. AND figured out the cause of all the problems in the world.

Like a boss.

I was in a rough meeting today. One department wanted to vent their frustrations about an issue that my office deals with, but doesn't really control. I felt for them, I really did. They deal with this specific issue day-in and day-out.

So do we, of course, but many feel that this issue affects the security of their positions. This particular issue is something that I must deal with everyday myself, so I get how much it sucks. It makes it even worse that I feel so completely helpless. It's a bad problem, but not one with any discernible solution at present. It's not our fault, it's not their fault. 

Yet we still have to deal with it every day. There were some passionate words and raised voices, nothing mean spirited, just two sides trying to be understood.

Here's what the hardest part was: Both sides were right. Completely, totally right. Their views might be opposing, but at the end of the day, both were true. Both iffrefutably reflected reality. 

With all of hoopla over the recent elections, it just seems like it all comes down to that: Both sides are right, Both sides are biased, but both sides make salient points. 

We are so sure there is only right answer. It is ours. Given these assumptions, any answer that differs from ours must be wrong. 

It's so natural to us, we don't even question it. It's the reason no one wins. We are both right. We both see something to which the other side is blind. We both understand something fundamental and important. It marries us to a point of view, a way of thinking, an identity. We have to be right and they have to be wrong. 

I don't know what to do about it. I hear when others explain their grievances. I get frustrated when they don't see how much more complicated the whole thing is. I don't know how we find middle ground. Maybe we start with giving up the idea that being right is a zero sum game.

I voted, yo.

Yeah. I did my civic duty. I'm pretty much a national hero now. It's pretty sweet. I even drove 45 miles to get to the polling place. Wow, you say, that's dedication. Or perhaps you more reasonably ask why I had to drive 45 minutes to a polling place in the first place?

Well... It's likely related to the fact that I forgot to register in the county I moved too. But whatevs. Civic duty: done.